How a celebrity scandal brought my own struggles with anger to the surface

Last week, Will Smith (the actor) released a video formally apologizing for what has and will herein be known as “The Slap”. This, of course, refers to this year’s Oscars when Smith rushed the stage in the middle of the awards ceremony and slapped Chris Rock (the comedian) in the face, over a joke Rock made about Jada Pinkett-Smith (Will’s wife- also an actor). Now, I wasn’t watching the Oscars but heard about it IMMEDIATELY. How could I not? It was everywhere. A usually composed actor, one of the biggest of our time, evident by the fact that he went on to win the best actor award later that night, lost his cool in such a public venue, in such a shameful way.

Normally, I wouldn’t care much about the Oscars, and even though I enjoy reading celebrity gossip as much as the next gal, I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself celebrity-obsessed. However, I just could not get enough of this story. When it happened, I spent a good portion of that week reading through every article, Reddit thread, Instagram post, and reaction commentary written on the topic. I found myself forming my own very strong opinion on what had just transpired and outwardly nodding in agreement with those that shared my own thoughts. Alternatively, I found my body reacting with blood-boiling, skin-warming anger when I read comments stating that Will Smith was justified in his actions.

After a while, I had to ask myself: Why do I care so much? Why am I so triggered by this?

Suddenly it came to me. The reason why this has affected me so much is that it’s one of the things I constantly fear. Not to be slapped, not to be the victim, but to be the one doing the slapping, the aggressor.

Physical aggression is defined as behavior directed toward another person that results in physical harm or has the potential to cause physical harm. Studies have found that aggression can occur as a response to stress, fear, or a sense of losing control, specifically for individuals that never learned how to express their feelings in a positive way. As a young adult, I was not particularly skilled in managing my emotions effectively. As a result, I could go from 0 to 100 real quick. When at 100, I was not necessarily me. I don’t know who I was. At times, I even found myself losing consciousness during those moments.

During those early years, I physically lashed out at siblings, significant others, and friends. I’m a small girl so I never actually inflicted major physical harm, but there was certainly damage. Damage to the trust I’d built, my reputation, my own self-worth. Most notably, there was damage to the relationships, none of which ever fully recovered. These experiences have brought me a great deal of shame. I felt, and still feel, like a monster. Someone that cannot be trusted.

Since that time, I have made major breakthroughs in better understanding and managing my emotions and ensuring that my vexations do not turn physical. However, anger being a natural human response, is still very much present in my life. While I continue to work on controlling it, rather than letting it control me, I often find myself overcome by fear. Fear of what I am capable of, of who I can still become: someone that would inevitably cause harm.

After the Oscars, I heard others dismiss the Smith/Rock incident as “just a slap”. To a certain extent, I can understand why they may say that. I mean, who hasn’t been tempted to slap someone at least once in their lives? The only thing is that the people that are saying this are likely the same people that would never behave that way. They would never react so impulsively. These are the people that can keep their composure. The people that think things through and don’t immediately resort to aggressive outbursts. These are the people I have always been jealous of. The type of people I always wished I could be like.

As I work on my personal growth, I now know that my actions were the result of unprocessed pain, lack of self-awareness, and misplaced/misdirected anger. It came from me not trusting myself. Not loving myself enough, always feeling like I had to be on the defensive. When I think about how much work there is still left for me to do, I feel for Will, and I root for his healing. Just like I continue to root for my own.